The D Word

Note DQ’s Peanut Buster Parfait, alongside the South Beach Diet book.  It’s my last concession to my demons, before I go ‘on the (diet)wagon.’…Wish me luck! 

He was sitting next to us at the luncheon area of local grocery store where husband and I ate a light repast. I was going on and on, saying: “How am I going to do this diet, since I loathe the principles on which it stands?” I saw our neighbor smile and asked “You recognize my misery?”  It was then he stated the obvious:  “Well, he doesn’t need to diet (nodding in direction of Husband.)”

In other words:  I need to diet.  I knew it, but to hear it from a stranger was a shock, even if my clothes had been suggesting the ugly truth for months.

Older daughter came for the holidays, sporting a nicely-svelte body, and her accomplishment wasn’t easy since she’s had two C-sections.  The last little guy gave her pounds in the pregnancy she couldn’t seem to lose—‘til recently.

What’s her secret to success?  The 4-Hour Diet. Her husband’s on it, too.

She swears by it.  I wondered why she walked about Harry Potter World with a turkey drumstick on our recent trip to all-things-Disney (and Universal), but was told it’s allowed on the diet. But strutting about as if one’s a member of a jousting party in medieval England, hoisting the aforesaid drumsticks doesn’t qualify to me as serious diet.

The biggest thing going for that diet is consistency.  If you get down the few things allowed, you’re ‘home.’ Here’s my problem with it:  Everything I eat in the normal course of day is disallowed:  cereal, fruit, dairy, bread.

That’s right—my 4 food groups are forbidden.

What seems to be lynchpin of the diet?  Eggs.  On it, you’ll eat lots of them. Why is this bad for me?  I hate eggs. No, don’t tell me to go the egg white route, for to me, that’s just as awful.

If I follow the 4-Hour Diet, I’ll be forcing down breakfast, having two lunches (they’re small), a snack and then dinner.  One eats lots of vegetables, provided they’re not stewed in sauces or all the other coverings that make them mysterious or even interesting. Yes, I had a friend in college who loved her vegetables but the rest of us considered her deranged, for what’s to enjoy about brussel sprouts, peas, cauliflower, eggplant? (that’s the one requiring all sorts of additives, to even get it to ‘palatable.’)

So, why wouldn’t you be able to eat all vegetables? It’s not like you’re wolfing down legions of sticky buns. Even the lowly potato can be converted into something one covets:  fully- loaded with sour cream and chives, crumbled bacon bits, a little hot sauce (if one’s daring).  A potato in the raw (without condiments or even butter or margarine) is merely like the afore-said eggplant that needs partners to make it sing.  In its natural state, it’s a bore.

Oh, who am I kidding?  I’m not a candidate for this 4-Hour Diet, no matter what. And another thing:  On it, one gets a full, pig-out day where I can stuff myself to my gut’s content. That’s right, one day a week I can eat with abandon, ice cream, pizza, artisan breads, for everything’s a “Go,” but only on that day.  The next day I’ll be back purging my system of the toxins, only eating sensible (if annoying) food groups that appear all the more bleak after the headiness of the day prior.

That, too, will trip me up.  Why?  I can’t ‘do furloughs.’ While on another diet, once, I bought a box of those little, frozen mini chocolate bars Dove puts out that have only 86 calories each and stored them in the freezer, believing “If things got really bad, I’d be able to assuage my demons by eating ‘just one.’ “  What happened?  I ate the entire box one afternoon—they just kept calling to me.

I’m one who must give it all up—period—no slips, no allowances, no ‘days off.’

What will I try?  The South Beach Diet, since with that, I may have a shot at success.  But I’ll still be eating eggs…lots of them. What’s its lure? Older daughter of the Drumstick tells me that South Beach dieter can have dessert, and that really appeals.

I need that carrot at the end of a day’s hard work dieting—as long as it’s not the orange, cylindrical kind….you know, the one that’s the “V word.” I’ll let you know how I do.

Now, click on this link to see how “Fat Chef” does it…This sure sounds like “The 4-Hour Diet” to me.

Now, how about you?  What’s your favorite diet?  Is it one of the regular, oft-touted ones on TV (Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig)? Share below at Comment section… 

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A lifetime teacher and realtor who's now a published writer, Colleen Kelly Mellor is a humorist first, ever aware of the thread that connects us all. Her works have appeared in the WSJ, Providence Journal, and CNN and NY Times-acclaimed medical blog,, to name a few. All material on this blog is exclusive property of the author and cannot be reproduced without this author's express written consent.
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