(The Ongoing, Painful Saga of an Older Woman Doing Yoga)
I just finished 4th. Yoga class. (but it’s really my 3rd, since I unceremoniously bolted, from my first.)
I crawled to the get-ready-to-leave bench, still part of Yoga School’s 30 day/$60.00 special, whereby the business hopes to hook me as part of its new generation of Yoga diehards.
But I’m exhausted. I simply can’t believe this thing is so-o hard.
Our instructor for this class is different from the others (they all are.) He started out, telling us the class was “For Beginners” but not to be fooled. “Beginner Yoga doesn’t mean ‘it’s easy.’ ”
Since I want “Easy Yoga,” I make a mental note to look that up, in the school’s on-line schedule.
Next, he goes into the meaning of “Dialogue,” saying that conversation happens when one’s body parts talk to each other.
Unlike my other teachers, he doesn’t play soothing music, for us, either (I want that.)…Probably wanted to facilitate us in hearing our bodies “talk.”
Well, on that score, I’ll say this: By the end of class, my body parts were definitely talking…They were swearing and hollering, too, even using the F word, as in “What the F are we doing here with a bunch that was obviously raised on this pablum?”
Some were talking in tongues, too, and they weren’t taking turns, either.
So, I dialogued back with my body and tried to give it some insight. Here’s what I said:
“I think I finally know why Yoga’s so hard for us (remember—I’m talking to my body): First off, we’ve got MS, so we’re not on a level playing field; our muscles scream when extended and they’re decidedly weaker than others.’ “
“Next, we’re dyslexic, so each time we nail a position (and we’re proud,) Yoga Prof. takes away our glory and calls out, meanly, to reverse the position. We get all mixed up.”
“Then, too, we react slowly to drill-sergeant commands (Yoga instructors always call out commands); we especially liked it (sarcastic) when today’s guru had us hold a tough pose, and then forgot about us, while he gave a 14-year-old boy (even more newbie than I) personal attention and encouragement.”
Now, pardon me, but 14-year-old’s don’t need help elasticizing their bodies.
That’s when we (body and I) dropped down on our mat, when the quivering in our legs took on spastic proportions.
“Finally, at 67, we’re older, so movements, once fluid, are “staccato” at best, “impossible,” at worst.”
What did we enjoy? When someone farted. It had to happen… with all this stretching and exposing bodies to openness.
We knew not to dissolve into hysteria, for we needed to conserve energy…if for no other reason than to stagger out, at the end of class, in some kind of upright position.
But the Veiled Fart was the first Real Funny Thing that’s happened in Yoga Town.
Following class, my body and I met our first Yoga friend—Lisa– who told us that this is her 3rd. year in Beginner Yoga…We were stunned. That’s when we realized: Yoga’s not like other schools. We won’t necessarily be in the Slow Learners’ Group.
We know, too: There’s no shame being in Beginner Yoga…maybe forever.
Even so, we’re looking up “Easy Yoga.”
Now, if we (body and I) can just hobble on out to our car…I told you I’d keep you updated on my progress (or regress) in this new venture, and I mean to do just that, just in case you, too, consider this activity (Yoga) that’s supposed to improve over-all, well-bring.
But I have to tell you: I’m still waiting for the Miracle. Not to worry: As I said, it’s early in my new venture…only Class 4 (3)…Stay tuned…